DOG

 

I was forced to walk my dog the other day

  the bitch kept jumping up and down on my leg like a kangaroo in heat….and if I decide to sit on my ass all day– and be more worthless than a phone operator from Uganda,  who can’t even speak a fucking lick of english,  after I ask him why my cable  bill sky-rocketed to the fucking trillion dollar mark…….

my girl will come home from work and bitch–like a guy on death row because he ran a red light in a fighter jet he stole from the god damn Air Force… then she will drag me and the fucking dog to a park–that’s more run down than MC Hammer’s apartment….and muddier than a woodstock concert

As soon as I opened up the fucking door she bolted out like…Bill Cosby mistaking a pudding pop convention, for a klan parade in Little Rock

So I had to whistle repeatedly, like the god damn bird carnival going on outside my window everyday at 4 in the fucking morning….causing me to suffocate one of those mother fuckers, as it chirps it’s last breath to the bird morgue 

I hope those other pricks fly to big bird and alert the nest, that this crazy fucking lunatic means business……and not to wake him up, while he’s tossing and turning like a guy who just got his arm blown off by a fucking landmine…..

Usually when I walk my dog I’m about 30 yards ahead…that way, if she decides to shit in Orville Reddenbacher’s yard…I can quickly rummage through some other bastard’s mailbox–pretending I’m a god damn mime, who is more fucking oblivious than Rosie O’donnel’s weight loss coach……..then while he’s cussing and throwing a shovel, and punching his wife in the neck….I could laugh into my jacket and hope my dog comes out alive…

One time I looked behind me, and the little bitch wasn’t there…so I had to waste my time and walk back snapping my fingers, like I’m in a fucking Broadway musical (what a unbelievable nightmare)…..then I see she’s on her back, with her leg’s up in the air like a porn star ready to get anally probed…rubbing it’s fur on something in the weeds

It’s a snake!! that got chopped up into little bits like a Baskin Robbins sunday….by a guy who must have been more trashed than the people of Amsterdam, operating a lawn mower on LSD

As soon as I got home…….I threw raid on my dog’s skin, and put it in the crock pot to soak the fucking plague off…..

if anything…….next time I’ll wait……..and buy a god damn gerbil!!!!!!!!

Christmas

 

 

What else can I waste more time and precious typing skills on….. Let’s see

How about every 15 seconds or so I keep staring at my girlfriends presents, the ones that have been sitting under the same christmas tree…….. that’s been in the fucking corner for 3 and a half years, rotting like a fucking basket of bread from the time of Christ!! Because I’m just to god damn lazy to burn it down and have a seance in my living room.

 When my friends come over and wonder why the hell there is a fucking stench that’s worse than rank pussy sifting through my house, I tell them to grab me a beer and the cheeto bag and shut there fucking mouth, or I’ll arm wrestle there grandma for her fucking wealth and snap her arm off at the elbow…….. and then I’ll light her on fire with a torch while she’s lying in the morgue.

Usually they pipe down, then if they say another word… I bring up Grandpa

   Fuck Christmas day………Why not do it now????

Let’s pretend today is christmas, so that the god damn puppy I taped up in bubble wrap can fucking stop yelping and carrying on like an old wife. I guess I want my girl to open her presents early, because I have about as much patience as Oprah opening a brand new fresh bag of marshmallows—NONE……. what so fucking ever

It would be funny to get my girlfriend everything she never wanted, somehow the list of shit she handed me of what she wanted for christmas, was the night I ran out of rolling paper, so what better thing to use for my ganja fix than this fucking list I received…… perfect timing!!!

 Let’s say she wants a silver necklace and some perfume ….Instead, I’ll give her a poster of Clay Aiken with a turtleneck sweater on from 1973– the  number one bullshit on her list is a brand new shiny watch ….little does she know, I’m giving her a fucking bread machine with “easy to read instructions”

Of course it could work both ways

I can open my presents expecting a football jersey or an I-pod, instead it’s a bloody decapitated head, with the brains blown out the side where the god damn ears used to be

 My girlfriends a mass murderer and I’m on top of her list ready to be chopped up into little bits and then flushed down the toilet….the next present is a sawed in half torso. I’m pretending to smile, but all I want to do is jump the fuck out of the nearest window. I think if she catches me, she will tackle me to the ground like a fat fucking sumo wrestler….. and snap my neck like a fucking twig off of a tree branch. So I better not run towards her with my boy scout knife. 

 My christmas is fucking ruined!!

Somehow I escaped……. shoulder rolling through the sliding glass door

 I’m screaming like a teenage girl getting spanked on the ass with a ping pong paddle by her step-father…. running like a fucking gazelle, jumping over logs and dodging branches that can easily leave a huge fucking gash in my bung hole

My christmas is spent in a police chair, talking to detective “shitwad”….all he says is…. “uh huh”– “uh huh” while eating a greasy ham, opening his presents that his buddies from the fucking “A-Team” got him.

I try to explain my horrific night…but he looks at me, like when I try to put my god damn dog on the cell phone to talk to the tele-marketers from India…… Those Fucks

I suppose I’ll go to the bar, find a whore and bang her silly….otherwise, if I attempt to go home; I know I’m having deep dish testicles for dinner tonight

 Happy New Year…..

Oh wait

 we already read that story