Dui class…….farewell!!!!

Here is a farewell speech that is sure to be the hit at any going away Dui class party!!!!!

I’ve learned alot in this class, but I think the one thing I’ve cherished the most is that the people in here are more fucked up than a satanic cult.

We’ll start with the blond whore in the corner who’s more hiked up on L.S.D than the people of Amsterdam, she slurs her words like she’s in the middle of giving head to a midget  with a rank dick in a bathroom urinal.

Then we have this bitch sitting next to me, who not only reeks worse than the fucking plague, but is entranced in zombie land. Her fucking methadone prescription takes her out of reality and into a god damn coma 24 hours a day.

Let’s not forget Socrates, the fucking poet who churns out as many 50 cent words as possible, not even the fucking Egyptians can decipher the shit that pours out of this assholes mouth. He either strives for attention from any dumb bastard that will listen, or he enjoys giving me and the rest of these lowlifes in this class a fucking migraine headache. By the end of the two hours, I’m ready to commit suicide.

I’d like to say a few words about my friend down there who came here illegally. Not only can you speak a fucking lick of english, when you come to my country and pretend your a citizen,while I pay taxes just so you can live here. Here’s the story pal……I already called I.N.S, they’ll be waiting for you at your house with your wife and twelve kids held at gunpoint, so you better bow down to me Miguel….and thank your lucky stars you ain’t fucking dead.

Not only do I have a soft spot in my heart for this beautiful young lady, but she gave me hope and determination to learn not to be a fucking hypocrite like herself. My friend Danni is also a bag full of emotional issues. She always made me laugh when she cried on cue, she always had a fucking sob story that not even Dr. Phil would give a shit about….So let’s raise a glass to Danni…my friend,who’s more bloated than a washed up sea creature. you always shedded more tears than O.J getting ass raped in prison. Thank you and god bless……

Last but not least, our crack addict teacher, Mark……who snorts more lines of coke than Johnny Depp in Blow. Not only did you gain my trust for pretending to care about me and my alcohol addiction…but you also bored the living shit out of me with your monotone voice that was drilled into my head like a fucking jackhammer. No wonder I drink….and I will continue to drink until I fucking die.. I didn’t need to take a gajillion fucking classes to realize I have a problem…being here with you all of you fagets causes me to drink.

So, thank you to all, I’m glad I’m done….now I can cancel my plans of jumping off the nearest fucking cliff.





Doing dishes is always a fun fucking way to piss me off…if your ever in the mood to start a drug addiction this would be the best fucking reason possible!! 

I love it when there stacked up to the ceiling as far as a fucking hawk can see..the best part is when they have been sitting there for a billion years when king tut was giving himself handjobs….while the rest of his family was building tombs to house a fucking skeleton named -Maria Shriver

The food is now dried on the plate…and is harder to get off then Bill Clinton’s cum stain on Monica’s jacket…I’m scrubbing cheeto’s off a ceramic plate because the kid with a.d.d. can’t eat out of a fucking bag like the rest of the fucking human race……. 

All the while I’m getting cheese stains on my forehead, because the water’s splashing on me like I’m rolling down Niagra falls in a fucking barrel 

I eventually threw the son of a bitch out when bleach wouldn’t even do the trick!! Now I look like a lab experiment gone fucking  A.W.O.L…..my hands look like a pair of diseased midgets with the ebola virus, and my forehead is more watered down than a bottle of zima 

The best advice that I can give you is –turn yourself into the mental institute and hope for the best!!!



The infamous D.M.V

If you happen to go there to get your license…you mind as well expect to sit there for fucking life….there only happens to be 2 people at the counter and about 40 billion people in the waiting area shoulder to shoulder, you mind as well be living in Hong Kong for christ sakes….

They are sweating like a pack of apes in heat,  with numbers in there hands that say “come back next century motherfucker”….the sweats rolling in the door, like fags at a N-sync concert-and babies are crying like it’s a fucking pediatric hospital. 

After you grow a god damn beard like Moses it’s finally time to go up to the counter that looks like a gate into hell–they deny you just like david hasselhoff asking for another rum and coke at the open bar in Tahiti… because he’s trying to kram a wendy’s sandwich into his god damn throat while spitting up hamburger meat into some gay guy’s lap next to him

  Your denied because you don’t have the right fucking number in your hand…it got lost while you were in the bathroom vomiting the cheesesteak sandwich you got out of the vending machine… 

The expiration on it was from 332 B.C.

 So you cause a scene….just like that fucking shim on You Tube who was crying to the god damn nation to “Leave Britney Alone”….1-psycho.jpg.. 

So the rent a cop’s come to haul you off in a straight jacket to the tomb they used for Jesus’s burial……

The moral of the story is—– just put a piece of saran wrap over a  fucked up picture of yourself and write the word license on it with a black marker….if the cop’s question it, just start running to Canada because your fucked!!!



 The best animals in the world besides the Abominable Snowman is a fucking dog

at least every dog, besides a god damn poodle….those fuckers look more like a shag carpet that’s been thrown in the fireplace, because some dumb bastard spilled coffee on it

I walked into someones house who had a poodle, and the thing looked like this fucking nightmare  001.jpg after the holocaust,

 it was shedding like an 11 foot 4 inch bison out in the wild. I was ready to beat it with a bat…….but the owner paralyzed me with a stun gun, right when I was about to connect for a grand slam

I woke up to the fucking thing gnawing and chewing on it’s back for eight and a half minutes like it was looking for the Holy Grail in it’s satanic body…and it’s tongue was lashing around it’s paws cleaning itself like an elephant giving himself a handjob. Then it just walked out of the room…… because dog’s are more oblivious than a mime in a  Cannibal Corpse mosh pit

The name could be Charlie, so you say “Hey shit crease come here” what will the fucking swamp donkey do? wag his tail, pant like a whore and walk over to you ready to lick you….. after he just gave himself a blowjob licking on his testicles, something they call “bathing”

The only thing wrong with dog’s, is they don’t live as long as cats

With a cat you could beat it with a pogo stick, light it on fire with hairspray used as a flame thrower, throw it down 9 flights of stairs and strangle it with twine…

In the end, the bastard walks away with a limp, like a fucking cyborg after you threw Napalm at it ….while you have blood stains and scratches the size of the Grand Canyon imbedded in your skull….and your penis is detached from your body.

Now you look like a hostage in a Tibetan prison, ready to start chemical warfare with your god damn cat



I was forced to walk my dog the other day

  the bitch kept jumping up and down on my leg like a kangaroo in heat….and if I decide to sit on my ass all day– and be more worthless than a phone operator from Uganda,  who can’t even speak a fucking lick of english,  after I ask him why my cable  bill sky-rocketed to the fucking trillion dollar mark…….

my girl will come home from work and bitch–like a guy on death row because he ran a red light in a fighter jet he stole from the god damn Air Force… then she will drag me and the fucking dog to a park–that’s more run down than MC Hammer’s apartment….and muddier than a woodstock concert

As soon as I opened up the fucking door she bolted out like…Bill Cosby mistaking a pudding pop convention, for a klan parade in Little Rock

So I had to whistle repeatedly, like the god damn bird carnival going on outside my window everyday at 4 in the fucking morning….causing me to suffocate one of those mother fuckers, as it chirps it’s last breath to the bird morgue 

I hope those other pricks fly to big bird and alert the nest, that this crazy fucking lunatic means business……and not to wake him up, while he’s tossing and turning like a guy who just got his arm blown off by a fucking landmine…..

Usually when I walk my dog I’m about 30 yards ahead…that way, if she decides to shit in Orville Reddenbacher’s yard…I can quickly rummage through some other bastard’s mailbox–pretending I’m a god damn mime, who is more fucking oblivious than Rosie O’donnel’s weight loss coach……..then while he’s cussing and throwing a shovel, and punching his wife in the neck….I could laugh into my jacket and hope my dog comes out alive…

One time I looked behind me, and the little bitch wasn’t there…so I had to waste my time and walk back snapping my fingers, like I’m in a fucking Broadway musical (what a unbelievable nightmare)…..then I see she’s on her back, with her leg’s up in the air like a porn star ready to get anally probed…rubbing it’s fur on something in the weeds

It’s a snake!! that got chopped up into little bits like a Baskin Robbins sunday….by a guy who must have been more trashed than the people of Amsterdam, operating a lawn mower on LSD

As soon as I got home…….I threw raid on my dog’s skin, and put it in the crock pot to soak the fucking plague off…..

if anything…….next time I’ll wait……..and buy a god damn gerbil!!!!!!!!




What else can I waste more time and precious typing skills on….. Let’s see

How about every 15 seconds or so I keep staring at my girlfriends presents, the ones that have been sitting under the same christmas tree…….. that’s been in the fucking corner for 3 and a half years, rotting like a fucking basket of bread from the time of Christ!! Because I’m just to god damn lazy to burn it down and have a seance in my living room.

 When my friends come over and wonder why the hell there is a fucking stench that’s worse than rank pussy sifting through my house, I tell them to grab me a beer and the cheeto bag and shut there fucking mouth, or I’ll arm wrestle there grandma for her fucking wealth and snap her arm off at the elbow…….. and then I’ll light her on fire with a torch while she’s lying in the morgue.

Usually they pipe down, then if they say another word… I bring up Grandpa

   Fuck Christmas day………Why not do it now????

Let’s pretend today is christmas, so that the god damn puppy I taped up in bubble wrap can fucking stop yelping and carrying on like an old wife. I guess I want my girl to open her presents early, because I have about as much patience as Oprah opening a brand new fresh bag of marshmallows—NONE……. what so fucking ever

It would be funny to get my girlfriend everything she never wanted, somehow the list of shit she handed me of what she wanted for christmas, was the night I ran out of rolling paper, so what better thing to use for my ganja fix than this fucking list I received…… perfect timing!!!

 Let’s say she wants a silver necklace and some perfume ….Instead, I’ll give her a poster of Clay Aiken with a turtleneck sweater on from 1973– the  number one bullshit on her list is a brand new shiny watch ….little does she know, I’m giving her a fucking bread machine with “easy to read instructions”

Of course it could work both ways

I can open my presents expecting a football jersey or an I-pod, instead it’s a bloody decapitated head, with the brains blown out the side where the god damn ears used to be

 My girlfriends a mass murderer and I’m on top of her list ready to be chopped up into little bits and then flushed down the toilet….the next present is a sawed in half torso. I’m pretending to smile, but all I want to do is jump the fuck out of the nearest window. I think if she catches me, she will tackle me to the ground like a fat fucking sumo wrestler….. and snap my neck like a fucking twig off of a tree branch. So I better not run towards her with my boy scout knife. 

 My christmas is fucking ruined!!

Somehow I escaped……. shoulder rolling through the sliding glass door

 I’m screaming like a teenage girl getting spanked on the ass with a ping pong paddle by her step-father…. running like a fucking gazelle, jumping over logs and dodging branches that can easily leave a huge fucking gash in my bung hole

My christmas is spent in a police chair, talking to detective “shitwad”….all he says is…. “uh huh”– “uh huh” while eating a greasy ham, opening his presents that his buddies from the fucking “A-Team” got him.

I try to explain my horrific night…but he looks at me, like when I try to put my god damn dog on the cell phone to talk to the tele-marketers from India…… Those Fucks

I suppose I’ll go to the bar, find a whore and bang her silly….otherwise, if I attempt to go home; I know I’m having deep dish testicles for dinner tonight

 Happy New Year…..

Oh wait

 we already read that story







The new year….

What a great time in a New York policeman’s life where he wakes up on december 31st and he says “tonight’s the night I don’t get laid”….he has to serve and protect the warm cup of piss he just got handed by a bunch of sloppy, drunk…. ass wipes who just lit the Empire State Building on fire

It’s a one night event where the whole fucking nation stands shoulder to shoulder…. freezing nut sacks, listening to Ryan Seacrest talk about Dick Clark’s 210th birthday celebration

While in the corner–Dick Clark’s slurring the words to “Happy Birthday” and spitting on the god damn cake…trying to blow out the fucking trick candles!!  finally eating the flesh on his hands trying to kram a wedge of cake through his dentures that keep falling to the fucking shag carpet beneath him 

The only good part is admitting yourself to rehab that night…because you have drank 32 and a half bottles of vodka and took a multitude of bong hits at MTV studios with “The “Pocket Possy” Three Six Mafia….

All that’s left is you urinating into grandpa joe’s mouth in the room next to you…because a corn nut got lodged in his throat while watching re-runs of baywatch on TBS, he’s gasping for his last moments on earth trying to survive with an IV attached to his penis…his body is more dried out than a prune field east of India, then you finally pass out on the back of a cargo ship headed for the Iraqi desert


The next morning…the streets of New York look like a Slayer mosh pit, that was lit on fire with napalm 

And who has to clean it up….

Vanilla Ice sweeps…while Michael Bolton vaccums