Why do they make everything you buy in stores so god damn BIG…and more expensive than renting out Bill Gates house for the night???
Pretty soon bringing home 5 bags of groceries will force you to sell one of your fucking children (probably the one that sides with mommy all the god damn time—fucking Cynthia, I knew I should have suffocated her, after she saw me walk in the patio door with a whore)
The prices keep fucking sky-rocketing like a midget getting blown from a cannon, instead of steak for dinner…were going to have a bowl of shredded wheat.
But instead of tossing the leftover milk in your wife’s face after she argues with you for selling Cynthia—pour it in a ziploc baggy, so you can use it for the box of macaroni you got from the fucking food shelter with an expiration date on it that says “When chimps were banging each other in the ass”
I was dragged to Costco the other day with a noose around my neck and a sawed off to my fucking forehead, ( my wifes way of therapy) so I had no choice but to browse the aisles and gasp at the insane prices and squeel like the hottest bitch in a horror movie getting her tits chopped off with a crowbar (why do the hottest one’s get killed off first, it only gives me 10 minutes to masturbate)
“Super duper size fucking cheetos”— on sale for just 15 thousand dollars —or—“a gigantic overflowing god damn silo of Evian bottled water”—- 2,329 gallons for a down payment of only 382,000 dollars!!! For christ sakes man, am I going to hike the great wall of china??? I don’t need that much fucking water…unless I looked like E.T on a salt binge.
I’ll need to buy a god damn duffell bag the size of Rosie O’ donnell’s left ass cheek just to carry the shit, and my extra,extra,extra large bail of toilet paper… to cure my plague infested shit attack…… after I chew down on the 542 pack of nutra grain bars I bought at Walgreens for 107 dollars.
I’ll just rent out a u-haul truck the size of Mount Everest
Talk about getting out of traffic easy, just start yelling chitty- chitty- bang- bang…at the top of your lungs…and turn the wheel real sharp into the fucking ditch
In you pull, right into the front yard of your shack—you bougt on E-Bay from a guy named Vanilla Ice.
For buying yourself into bankruptcy…you mind as well live with Michael Jackson in the closet with his chimps—-jerking off little boys who got lured into his “art class”………
“How to bleach your body and feel great about yourself”