I was forced to walk my dog the other day
the bitch kept jumping up and down on my leg like a kangaroo in heat….and if I decide to sit on my ass all day– and be more worthless than a phone operator from Uganda, who can’t even speak a fucking lick of english, after I ask him why my cable bill sky-rocketed to the fucking trillion dollar mark…….
my girl will come home from work and bitch–like a guy on death row because he ran a red light in a fighter jet he stole from the god damn Air Force… then she will drag me and the fucking dog to a park–that’s more run down than MC Hammer’s apartment….and muddier than a woodstock concert
As soon as I opened up the fucking door she bolted out like…Bill Cosby mistaking a pudding pop convention, for a klan parade in Little Rock
So I had to whistle repeatedly, like the god damn bird carnival going on outside my window everyday at 4 in the fucking morning….causing me to suffocate one of those mother fuckers, as it chirps it’s last breath to the bird morgue
I hope those other pricks fly to big bird and alert the nest, that this crazy fucking lunatic means business……and not to wake him up, while he’s tossing and turning like a guy who just got his arm blown off by a fucking landmine…..
Usually when I walk my dog I’m about 30 yards ahead…that way, if she decides to shit in Orville Reddenbacher’s yard…I can quickly rummage through some other bastard’s mailbox–pretending I’m a god damn mime, who is more fucking oblivious than Rosie O’donnel’s weight loss coach……..then while he’s cussing and throwing a shovel, and punching his wife in the neck….I could laugh into my jacket and hope my dog comes out alive…
One time I looked behind me, and the little bitch wasn’t there…so I had to waste my time and walk back snapping my fingers, like I’m in a fucking Broadway musical (what a unbelievable nightmare)…..then I see she’s on her back, with her leg’s up in the air like a porn star ready to get anally probed…rubbing it’s fur on something in the weeds
It’s a snake!! that got chopped up into little bits like a Baskin Robbins sunday….by a guy who must have been more trashed than the people of Amsterdam, operating a lawn mower on LSD
As soon as I got home…….I threw raid on my dog’s skin, and put it in the crock pot to soak the fucking plague off…..
if anything…….next time I’ll wait……..and buy a god damn gerbil!!!!!!!!